SUCCUBUS

Succubus: A demoness from Hell whose sole purpose is to drain the souls of men by having sex with them.

Don't kid yourself, they exist.  I've met one, seriously.  Be careful.

ANTICIPATE

Andy, Andy, Andy.  Why do you always put yourself in these situations?

I was talking to Andy this morning and he was all giddy and happy because he's about to ask out a young lady he knows and has been pining after for a while.  I thought "Great!.......wait a minute, what's this girls story?"

Andy told me several things about this young lady but a few key points stuck out in my mind:

• In the process of a divorce (and works with her ex-husband)

• Either doesn't drink or isn't a big fan of drinking

• Directly connected to Andy's work

WTF Andy!?!  Has history taught you nothing!?!  Why on God's green earth would you even THINK of asking this girl out?  Has your brain run out of red flags?  You're a habitual party animal with jealousy issues and a new career, do you see the problem?

But wait, a pattern starts to emerge when you look at Andy's recent dating history:

• Crazy chick

• Crazy chick

• Succubus 

• Crazy chick

• Greek nome clinger with SERIOUS issues (ok so he didn't date this one but he let her infect him with her crazy)

I see the problem...YOU HAVE NO FORESIGHT!!!  If only you had had a friend to warn you of the impending doom these women brought about.........oh wait, you did.  ME!  Silly bastard.

If a train was bearing down on most of, us our first thought would be "f*ck this I'm getting off the tracks!", but not my good friend Andy.  Andy sees that train and his first thought is " That's a pretty train, I'll wait here to see what it looks like up close."  W. T. F.

Andy lacks the ability to anticipate.  He also lacks the ability to listen to his peers. He doesn't see that if he follows this path it leads straight to trouble, kind of like the rabbits.   Unfortunately for Andy he's a magnet for bad relationships, crazy women, and not so well thought out plans, so this type of situation is quite common. 

You called me asking for advice, here it is: STAY AWAY!!! ( I know you won't you silly bastard, but seriously man, take off the blinders.)

So to the rest of you who may be reading this, if you have a pattern of relationships similar to Andy's I have some advice to offer you:  ANTICIPATE!!!

TRAPPED

Make no mistake, she will set a trap at some point.  Women use traps as ways of asking questions without outright asking a question.  Lord knows why women do this instead of just asking questions but they do, they set traps.  Sometimes these traps are actually educational (she wants to see how you'll react) and sometimes they are just to watch us squirm.  No matter what the purpose of the trap is you need to know how to react.

Proper reactions are a tough thing to learn.  One must first learn to recognize the trap, then casually pass through the trap unscathed.  The best way to do this is react with a nonchalant answer that leaves all involved unoffended.

Example:

Andy goes on a quasi date with a girl that involves meeting up with her and some of her friends at a bar to hang out and get to know one another.  Easy enough.

Andy is a fitness professional and as such is often asked various questions on the subject which he normally answers well. This particular night Andy is with a girl who is clearly overweight and a girl who is clearly underweight.

Here's the trap:

Girl - "Andy you're a fitness professional, evaluate us!!!"

(this is clearly a trap to make him say that one girl is fat and the other is too skinny)

Andy - "No no no I'm not going to do that" (WRONG)

Why is he wrong you ask?  He didn't say anyone was fat or too skinny?  Unfortunately for Andy what he did was imply that his evaluation would have been hurtful or uncomfortable for them to hear, and thus he is automatically guilty of being judgmental.  Andy has said something rude without saying anything at all.

The correct answer would have been (said nonchalantly) " No one is perfect, we all have things to work on.  That's why I stay in business."

This response is perfect. You have aknowledged that the ladies do have some issues but you haven't called them out or made any indication to having negative thoughts about them.  You have included yourself in the imperfect group which puts everyone at ease with their own issues, then you casually changed the subject to the fact that you have a steady job.  Perfect.

Keep an eye out for traps and practice answering correctly.  Remember, the best way to react is with a nonchalant answer that leaves all involved unoffended.

NONCHALANT

Nonchalant: coolly unconcerned, indifferent, or unexcited; casual.

Learn it, know it, live it.

MAN MATH.....SORRY LADIES

Getting a woman takes time and money, therefore:

• WOMEN = TIME X MONEY

We all know that "time is money":

• TIME = MONEY

Therefore:

• WOMEN = MONEY X MONEY
• WOMEN = MONEY ²

We all know that "money is the root of all evil":

• MONEY = √EVIL

Therefore:

• WOMEN = √EVIL ²

Which breaks down to:

• WOMEN = EVIL

There you go folks, it's a fact.   Happy Thursday!

THE DON'TS

Andy has a tendency to do a lot of things you should avoid on a date.  Seeing as he has a date coming up I thought I would remind him of the things you should never do on a first date, and probably shouldn't do until she knows you and is comfortable around you.

• Don't play gangster rap!  No woman wants to hear the defiling message that is often heard in gangster rap, it's just not classy.

• Don't get drunk!  Drinking is fine, drunk is not.  Let's be honest here, no one is at their best when all inhibitions are lost.  A good rule of thumb is to maintain pace with your date so your not polishing off a six-pack while she cracks her second beer.

• Don't say bad words!  Swear words, derogatory words for the female anatomy, racial/sexual slurs, etc are all a no no.  They make you look immature and incapable of expressing how you actually feel.

• Don't speak negatively about anyone!  Once again this is just ugly.

• Don't talk about your ex-girlfriend!  Better yet don't talk about anyone you've been romantically linked too, it shows a lack of interest in the woman your currently hanging out with.

• Don't mention bad habits!  The fact that you have a propensity for getting smashed on weekends and your occasional visits with Mary Jane isn't something she needs to know right away.  Let her get to know YOU first, not your habits.

• Don't ramble on about subjects she has no interest in!  These almost always include your job, your car, your mother, your medical history, how many women you've slept with, VIDEO GAMES, your hunting spots, favorite fishing hole, etc.  

• Don't drive like a lunatic!  Trust me, she is not impressed.

• Don't pretend to be someone your not!  She'll know. 

Follow these simple rules and you might actually have a chance.  These are some of the don'ts that I know fall under Andy's scope of word vomits, feel free to add anything I've forgotten in the comments.

Good luck!

ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR ABC'S

Always be cool.  It's as simple and as complicated as that.  I don't necessarily mean be cool in the high school sense of the word.  I mean maintain your composure.  Don't get flustered, don't act overly excited or uninterested in anything, don't speak too strongly about a given subject or situation.  Just be cool, not a cocky ass, but cool.  When in doubt, remember your ABC's.