MAN MATH.....SORRY LADIES

Getting a woman takes time and money, therefore:

• WOMEN = TIME X MONEY

We all know that "time is money":

• TIME = MONEY

Therefore:

• WOMEN = MONEY X MONEY
• WOMEN = MONEY ²

We all know that "money is the root of all evil":

• MONEY = √EVIL

Therefore:

• WOMEN = √EVIL ²

Which breaks down to:

• WOMEN = EVIL

There you go folks, it's a fact.   Happy Thursday!

THE DON'TS

Andy has a tendency to do a lot of things you should avoid on a date.  Seeing as he has a date coming up I thought I would remind him of the things you should never do on a first date, and probably shouldn't do until she knows you and is comfortable around you.

• Don't play gangster rap!  No woman wants to hear the defiling message that is often heard in gangster rap, it's just not classy.

• Don't get drunk!  Drinking is fine, drunk is not.  Let's be honest here, no one is at their best when all inhibitions are lost.  A good rule of thumb is to maintain pace with your date so your not polishing off a six-pack while she cracks her second beer.

• Don't say bad words!  Swear words, derogatory words for the female anatomy, racial/sexual slurs, etc are all a no no.  They make you look immature and incapable of expressing how you actually feel.

• Don't speak negatively about anyone!  Once again this is just ugly.

• Don't talk about your ex-girlfriend!  Better yet don't talk about anyone you've been romantically linked too, it shows a lack of interest in the woman your currently hanging out with.

• Don't mention bad habits!  The fact that you have a propensity for getting smashed on weekends and your occasional visits with Mary Jane isn't something she needs to know right away.  Let her get to know YOU first, not your habits.

• Don't ramble on about subjects she has no interest in!  These almost always include your job, your car, your mother, your medical history, how many women you've slept with, VIDEO GAMES, your hunting spots, favorite fishing hole, etc.  

• Don't drive like a lunatic!  Trust me, she is not impressed.

• Don't pretend to be someone your not!  She'll know. 

Follow these simple rules and you might actually have a chance.  These are some of the don'ts that I know fall under Andy's scope of word vomits, feel free to add anything I've forgotten in the comments.

Good luck!

ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR ABC'S

Always be cool.  It's as simple and as complicated as that.  I don't necessarily mean be cool in the high school sense of the word.  I mean maintain your composure.  Don't get flustered, don't act overly excited or uninterested in anything, don't speak too strongly about a given subject or situation.  Just be cool, not a cocky ass, but cool.  When in doubt, remember your ABC's.

EYES ON THE PRIZE.....SHOES (PART 1)

Pay attention to the shoes my friend, they tell you a lot.  A woman's choice in shoes is usually a good indication of her attitude towards what she is doing at the moment.  Shoe decisions aren't normally a passing thought for women.  Entire outfits are chosen around the shoes, if the shoes change there's a very good chance the outfit is changing (this is why they take so long).  Don't try to understand this, accept it as a fact of life.

To help you understand the severity of shoes I'll let you in on something.  Until she is in a full-on committed relationship with you and has been for a while, her shoes are more important to her than you.  Do not attempt to come between her and her shoes or it will end badly for you.

If a woman mentions the shoes she's wearing you should always say you like them and add a non-bullshit specific thing you like about the shoes.  Good suggestions are:

"They make your legs look great"

"The peep toe is cute"

"They're very classy, adult sexy"

"They're sexy without being slutty"

"You have good taste"

"I'm a fan of heels"

etc.

I'll reiterate, don't bullshit.

For those of you in relationships you should comment on the shoes regularly, shoes will become something you discuss with your woman and it will be one of the things she loves about you.

NEVER SAY A NEGATIVE WORD ABOUT THE SHOES.  Unless she does, and then offer a response that is in agreement but not more so than her comment.

I'm sure your wondering which shoes are important, they can't all be important can they?  You are correct.  The next EYES ON THE PRIZE segment will discuss specifically what each shoe may, or may not mean.

Until next time.

RESERVE YOUR OPINION

Andy has a knack for voicing his opinion at the drop of a hat, he's a blunt individual and not exactly eloquent.  It's something I love about Andy, you always know where he stands.  However, this doesn't usually go well with the females of the species.

Men have a tendency to speak strongly about any subject available, it's something we do in an attempt to appear knowledgeable, or in control of things, or because we like to hear ourselves speak, who knows.  The problem with this is our actual feelings about the subject often don't live up to the intensity with which we discuss said subject.  As men this is how we interface with each other, hearken it back to the days of beating chests and grunting to communicate.

Women see it differently.  Women use your opinions to gauge what kind of person you are and how you will think, feel, and react to her opinions.  They also gauge how strongly you feel about a given subject by how strongly you discuss it, you can see how this is counter-intuitive to man's natural discussion style.

On top of that, men also like to be aggressive and negative about subjects we don't like, or maybe don't understand.  We'll say things like "that's stupid", or "I hate that", etc.  As my mother would say...that's ugly.  I know as men we don't see it this way because we're just excited, or is it excitable?  Women see this as you being nasty, aggressive, unrestrained, and yes...ugly.

So what's the point?  You have three options:

1.  Reserve your opinion if you feel it's going to come out as negative or aggressive.  I shouldn't have to say this, but if you don't know what your talking about then you shouldn't be talking.

2.  Agree with your woman if you feel the same way, or if you don't care either way.  Don't say you don't care either way, agree with her.  I shouldn't have to say this but don't make it obvious you're just agreeing with her.

3.  If you disagree with her opinion or feel strongly about a subject and must speak truthfully then use your words eloquently.  Say " I'm not sure I agree with that" or "from what I know about it" and then voice your opinion ELOQUENTLY.  Always discuss a touchy subject in the manner you would a school subject and not as something intensely personal.

This advice is intended for the beginning stages of a relationship, once your woman is into you enough to overlook your neanderthal tendencies then you may start to reveal your true opinions, cautiously. 

Follow these guides and you should come out looking like an intelligent, controlled, confident man.  Good luck!

DON'T KILL THE RABBIT

In George Milton's novel "Of Mice and Men" there is a lovable oaf named Lennie.  Lennie is a man of large stature who doesn't know his own strength and is short on intelligence (he's retarded) who always manages to do harm when he intends to do good.  He has propensity for rabbits, he loves to hold them and stroke them and show them love.  The problem is that Lennie is excitable and isn't smart  enough to know when he's doing harm.

Lennie picks up the rabbits and pets them and strokes them and shows them love, and then pets them and strokes them and shows them love, and then pets them and strokes them and shows them love.  This behavior continues until Lennie has pet these poor rabbits to death (unknown strength).  When this happens Lennie freaks out.

Andy's actions with women he's infatuated with are eerily similar.  Moral of the story...DON'T KILL THE RABBIT!!!

To my knowledge Andy has never pet any rabbits to death.  He does make a mean rabbit stew though...

DATE TIP.....CASH IS KING

Always bring cash for a date, and then bring some more.  Plastic is prone to problems.  Maybe the establishment doesn't take your brand of plastic, maybe there was an error at the bank, maybe you forgot how much scratch you had in your account, maybe you forgot to transfer money from your savings account, you see where I'm going with this.

Cash allows you to appear prepared, and women love prepared.  It's a fact.

To maintain the element of cool be sure to have an assortment of bills in your possession.  A hand full of fresh matching hundo's or twenties smacks of having taken the money out for this specific situation, and thus is not something you handle regularly.

Remember, cash is king.  And always bring some more.