SUCCUBUS

Succubus: A demoness from Hell whose sole purpose is to drain the souls of men by having sex with them.

Don't kid yourself, they exist.  I've met one, seriously.  Be careful.

ANTICIPATE

Andy, Andy, Andy.  Why do you always put yourself in these situations?

I was talking to Andy this morning and he was all giddy and happy because he's about to ask out a young lady he knows and has been pining after for a while.  I thought "Great!.......wait a minute, what's this girls story?"

Andy told me several things about this young lady but a few key points stuck out in my mind:

• In the process of a divorce (and works with her ex-husband)

• Either doesn't drink or isn't a big fan of drinking

• Directly connected to Andy's work

WTF Andy!?!  Has history taught you nothing!?!  Why on God's green earth would you even THINK of asking this girl out?  Has your brain run out of red flags?  You're a habitual party animal with jealousy issues and a new career, do you see the problem?

But wait, a pattern starts to emerge when you look at Andy's recent dating history:

• Crazy chick

• Crazy chick

• Succubus 

• Crazy chick

• Greek nome clinger with SERIOUS issues (ok so he didn't date this one but he let her infect him with her crazy)

I see the problem...YOU HAVE NO FORESIGHT!!!  If only you had had a friend to warn you of the impending doom these women brought about.........oh wait, you did.  ME!  Silly bastard.

If a train was bearing down on most of, us our first thought would be "f*ck this I'm getting off the tracks!", but not my good friend Andy.  Andy sees that train and his first thought is " That's a pretty train, I'll wait here to see what it looks like up close."  W. T. F.

Andy lacks the ability to anticipate.  He also lacks the ability to listen to his peers. He doesn't see that if he follows this path it leads straight to trouble, kind of like the rabbits.   Unfortunately for Andy he's a magnet for bad relationships, crazy women, and not so well thought out plans, so this type of situation is quite common. 

You called me asking for advice, here it is: STAY AWAY!!! ( I know you won't you silly bastard, but seriously man, take off the blinders.)

So to the rest of you who may be reading this, if you have a pattern of relationships similar to Andy's I have some advice to offer you:  ANTICIPATE!!!

TRAPPED

Make no mistake, she will set a trap at some point.  Women use traps as ways of asking questions without outright asking a question.  Lord knows why women do this instead of just asking questions but they do, they set traps.  Sometimes these traps are actually educational (she wants to see how you'll react) and sometimes they are just to watch us squirm.  No matter what the purpose of the trap is you need to know how to react.

Proper reactions are a tough thing to learn.  One must first learn to recognize the trap, then casually pass through the trap unscathed.  The best way to do this is react with a nonchalant answer that leaves all involved unoffended.

Example:

Andy goes on a quasi date with a girl that involves meeting up with her and some of her friends at a bar to hang out and get to know one another.  Easy enough.

Andy is a fitness professional and as such is often asked various questions on the subject which he normally answers well. This particular night Andy is with a girl who is clearly overweight and a girl who is clearly underweight.

Here's the trap:

Girl - "Andy you're a fitness professional, evaluate us!!!"

(this is clearly a trap to make him say that one girl is fat and the other is too skinny)

Andy - "No no no I'm not going to do that" (WRONG)

Why is he wrong you ask?  He didn't say anyone was fat or too skinny?  Unfortunately for Andy what he did was imply that his evaluation would have been hurtful or uncomfortable for them to hear, and thus he is automatically guilty of being judgmental.  Andy has said something rude without saying anything at all.

The correct answer would have been (said nonchalantly) " No one is perfect, we all have things to work on.  That's why I stay in business."

This response is perfect. You have aknowledged that the ladies do have some issues but you haven't called them out or made any indication to having negative thoughts about them.  You have included yourself in the imperfect group which puts everyone at ease with their own issues, then you casually changed the subject to the fact that you have a steady job.  Perfect.

Keep an eye out for traps and practice answering correctly.  Remember, the best way to react is with a nonchalant answer that leaves all involved unoffended.

NONCHALANT

Nonchalant: coolly unconcerned, indifferent, or unexcited; casual.

Learn it, know it, live it.

MAN MATH.....SORRY LADIES

Getting a woman takes time and money, therefore:

• WOMEN = TIME X MONEY

We all know that "time is money":

• TIME = MONEY

Therefore:

• WOMEN = MONEY X MONEY
• WOMEN = MONEY ²

We all know that "money is the root of all evil":

• MONEY = √EVIL

Therefore:

• WOMEN = √EVIL ²

Which breaks down to:

• WOMEN = EVIL

There you go folks, it's a fact.   Happy Thursday!

THE DON'TS

Andy has a tendency to do a lot of things you should avoid on a date.  Seeing as he has a date coming up I thought I would remind him of the things you should never do on a first date, and probably shouldn't do until she knows you and is comfortable around you.

• Don't play gangster rap!  No woman wants to hear the defiling message that is often heard in gangster rap, it's just not classy.

• Don't get drunk!  Drinking is fine, drunk is not.  Let's be honest here, no one is at their best when all inhibitions are lost.  A good rule of thumb is to maintain pace with your date so your not polishing off a six-pack while she cracks her second beer.

• Don't say bad words!  Swear words, derogatory words for the female anatomy, racial/sexual slurs, etc are all a no no.  They make you look immature and incapable of expressing how you actually feel.

• Don't speak negatively about anyone!  Once again this is just ugly.

• Don't talk about your ex-girlfriend!  Better yet don't talk about anyone you've been romantically linked too, it shows a lack of interest in the woman your currently hanging out with.

• Don't mention bad habits!  The fact that you have a propensity for getting smashed on weekends and your occasional visits with Mary Jane isn't something she needs to know right away.  Let her get to know YOU first, not your habits.

• Don't ramble on about subjects she has no interest in!  These almost always include your job, your car, your mother, your medical history, how many women you've slept with, VIDEO GAMES, your hunting spots, favorite fishing hole, etc.  

• Don't drive like a lunatic!  Trust me, she is not impressed.

• Don't pretend to be someone your not!  She'll know. 

Follow these simple rules and you might actually have a chance.  These are some of the don'ts that I know fall under Andy's scope of word vomits, feel free to add anything I've forgotten in the comments.

Good luck!

ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR ABC'S

Always be cool.  It's as simple and as complicated as that.  I don't necessarily mean be cool in the high school sense of the word.  I mean maintain your composure.  Don't get flustered, don't act overly excited or uninterested in anything, don't speak too strongly about a given subject or situation.  Just be cool, not a cocky ass, but cool.  When in doubt, remember your ABC's.

EYES ON THE PRIZE.....SHOES (PART 1)

Pay attention to the shoes my friend, they tell you a lot.  A woman's choice in shoes is usually a good indication of her attitude towards what she is doing at the moment.  Shoe decisions aren't normally a passing thought for women.  Entire outfits are chosen around the shoes, if the shoes change there's a very good chance the outfit is changing (this is why they take so long).  Don't try to understand this, accept it as a fact of life.

To help you understand the severity of shoes I'll let you in on something.  Until she is in a full-on committed relationship with you and has been for a while, her shoes are more important to her than you.  Do not attempt to come between her and her shoes or it will end badly for you.

If a woman mentions the shoes she's wearing you should always say you like them and add a non-bullshit specific thing you like about the shoes.  Good suggestions are:

"They make your legs look great"

"The peep toe is cute"

"They're very classy, adult sexy"

"They're sexy without being slutty"

"You have good taste"

"I'm a fan of heels"

etc.

I'll reiterate, don't bullshit.

For those of you in relationships you should comment on the shoes regularly, shoes will become something you discuss with your woman and it will be one of the things she loves about you.

NEVER SAY A NEGATIVE WORD ABOUT THE SHOES.  Unless she does, and then offer a response that is in agreement but not more so than her comment.

I'm sure your wondering which shoes are important, they can't all be important can they?  You are correct.  The next EYES ON THE PRIZE segment will discuss specifically what each shoe may, or may not mean.

Until next time.

RESERVE YOUR OPINION

Andy has a knack for voicing his opinion at the drop of a hat, he's a blunt individual and not exactly eloquent.  It's something I love about Andy, you always know where he stands.  However, this doesn't usually go well with the females of the species.

Men have a tendency to speak strongly about any subject available, it's something we do in an attempt to appear knowledgeable, or in control of things, or because we like to hear ourselves speak, who knows.  The problem with this is our actual feelings about the subject often don't live up to the intensity with which we discuss said subject.  As men this is how we interface with each other, hearken it back to the days of beating chests and grunting to communicate.

Women see it differently.  Women use your opinions to gauge what kind of person you are and how you will think, feel, and react to her opinions.  They also gauge how strongly you feel about a given subject by how strongly you discuss it, you can see how this is counter-intuitive to man's natural discussion style.

On top of that, men also like to be aggressive and negative about subjects we don't like, or maybe don't understand.  We'll say things like "that's stupid", or "I hate that", etc.  As my mother would say...that's ugly.  I know as men we don't see it this way because we're just excited, or is it excitable?  Women see this as you being nasty, aggressive, unrestrained, and yes...ugly.

So what's the point?  You have three options:

1.  Reserve your opinion if you feel it's going to come out as negative or aggressive.  I shouldn't have to say this, but if you don't know what your talking about then you shouldn't be talking.

2.  Agree with your woman if you feel the same way, or if you don't care either way.  Don't say you don't care either way, agree with her.  I shouldn't have to say this but don't make it obvious you're just agreeing with her.

3.  If you disagree with her opinion or feel strongly about a subject and must speak truthfully then use your words eloquently.  Say " I'm not sure I agree with that" or "from what I know about it" and then voice your opinion ELOQUENTLY.  Always discuss a touchy subject in the manner you would a school subject and not as something intensely personal.

This advice is intended for the beginning stages of a relationship, once your woman is into you enough to overlook your neanderthal tendencies then you may start to reveal your true opinions, cautiously. 

Follow these guides and you should come out looking like an intelligent, controlled, confident man.  Good luck!

DON'T KILL THE RABBIT

In George Milton's novel "Of Mice and Men" there is a lovable oaf named Lennie.  Lennie is a man of large stature who doesn't know his own strength and is short on intelligence (he's retarded) who always manages to do harm when he intends to do good.  He has propensity for rabbits, he loves to hold them and stroke them and show them love.  The problem is that Lennie is excitable and isn't smart  enough to know when he's doing harm.

Lennie picks up the rabbits and pets them and strokes them and shows them love, and then pets them and strokes them and shows them love, and then pets them and strokes them and shows them love.  This behavior continues until Lennie has pet these poor rabbits to death (unknown strength).  When this happens Lennie freaks out.

Andy's actions with women he's infatuated with are eerily similar.  Moral of the story...DON'T KILL THE RABBIT!!!

To my knowledge Andy has never pet any rabbits to death.  He does make a mean rabbit stew though...

DATE TIP.....CASH IS KING

Always bring cash for a date, and then bring some more.  Plastic is prone to problems.  Maybe the establishment doesn't take your brand of plastic, maybe there was an error at the bank, maybe you forgot how much scratch you had in your account, maybe you forgot to transfer money from your savings account, you see where I'm going with this.

Cash allows you to appear prepared, and women love prepared.  It's a fact.

To maintain the element of cool be sure to have an assortment of bills in your possession.  A hand full of fresh matching hundo's or twenties smacks of having taken the money out for this specific situation, and thus is not something you handle regularly.

Remember, cash is king.  And always bring some more.